You may have had a moment like this. Someone asks you, “What do you want?” It sounds like a simple question, yet suddenly you don’t know how to answer.
The strange thing is that you make decisions all day long. You know what needs to be done at work, what your family needs, and who requires your attention. But when it comes to what you want, you are not so sure anymore. “What should I do?” has an answer every day, while “What do I actually want?” feels increasingly unfamiliar.
This happens not because you lack ideas, but because you have become used to one pattern: Respond to life first. Ask yourself what you want later.
How Does This Habit Form?
Habits are rarely formed overnight. As children, we learn to be considerate. As adults, we learn to take responsibility. These traits are useful, and we become very good at responding to life—what needs to be done, who needs us, and what cannot wait.
But one question gets asked less and less: “What about me?”
A quiet pattern develops: Others first, me later. “Should” first, “want” later.
First, you say, “It’s okay, you go first.” Next: “Anything is fine.” Later: “Now isn’t the right time.” Each choice seems small, but after years, you become disconnected from your own needs. Psychology uses the term Identity Drift to describe this experience.
How “Identity Drift” Happens
It doesn’t mean losing your identity entirely. Rather, through years of adapting and taking responsibility, you become very familiar with who others need you to be—while becoming less clear about who you actually want to become. Your life may still look fine. People see you as reliable. Yet gradually, you notice something missing: you do many things, but rarely feel, “This is something I genuinely want to do.”
When your needs are repeatedly pushed aside, your self-worth becomes tied to external validation: Did I do it well? Are they satisfied? Am I useful?
Eventually, tension becomes normal. You feel tired without doing much. You have time to rest, but cannot relax. “You get irritated easily, often venting your built-up frustration on those you love most.”
At this point, the question is no longer just “What do I want?” but “What happens to my mind and body if I keep living this way?”
Taking Back the Steering Wheel in Your Hands
How can we change this? Start with the next moment when “should” and “want” pull in different directions. Pause and ask: “Am I really choosing this, or has my automatic pattern chosen for me?”
Choosing “should” isn’t inherently wrong, and wanting something doesn’t require immediate action. What matters is becoming aware of the choice.
This is where A.I.R. begins: noticing your automatic reactions, acknowledging the patterns behind them, and creating the space to choose differently—knowing when to take responsibility, when to adjust, and when to give yourself grace.
You haven’t forgotten what you want. You’ve simply developed a habit of responding to life first. And the steering wheel of your life can always be placed back in your hands.
We invite you to share your thoughts and experiences below.
